I am really bad at keeping a solid schedule with this blog, I know.

Once again, it has been quite a while since I've posted anything. I fully intend to codify a schedule for this blog, my socials (I'm creating more in the near future), and a few other things. My problem is I let life get away with me sometimes, and that definitely happened the last few months.

So, what's new? Quite a bit, really. My last post was back in March, and let me just say spring was hectic. Between sports, dance, Scouts, and whatever else, we were hopping every single day of the week.

Well, mid-May saw the end of the kids' baseball season, and what a season it was! I had so much fun watching them play a sport that I have a connection to, even if some of the fields were uncomfortably cold and the kids complained about having to take time out of their busy lives of YouTube viewing to go be, ya know, kids. But it was a good season, and despite the grumping, they enjoyed themselves, too.

May also saw the end of my studies at Monterey Peninsula College. I proudly walked the stage and was conferred an associate's degree in photography. It's been a year since I started learning how to use Hannah's camera. I bought a film camera, and learned how to develop film and print images, along with some artistic tricks to make them really interesting photos. And yeah, at some point I need to get some scanning done and upload them. Once again, I'm lazy. I also learned a bit about alternative photographic processes, and that one really claimed my heart. I currently have a piece hanging in a cafe exhibit for sale in Monterey. Wish me luck with that one!

Graduation Day with two amazing artists!

Zach is nearly done with Japanese language training. The last fifteen months in California have flown by, and it has been a complete whirlwind, both in my schedule and in my emotions. We're moving soon, back to the east coast, where we will be for a year before we head overseas. I intend to continue working on my creative projects while we're on the east coast, and really dedicate myself to spending time with the family and friends I'll be physically closer to while we have the chance. Also, shark tooth hunting, because the 822 teeth I have now simply aren't enough.

I can't wait to be closer to Emma. I've only had a week with her since she went back to North Carolina last August. For any mom, but especially a mom who has so recently lost another of her children, being so separated from one of her kids is really hard. I miss Emma every day, and we don't get to talk nearly as much as I would like.

My beautiful girl!

I'm still learning to cope with Hannah's absence. I've learned a lot, about life, about death, about grief, and about living with grief. One of the simplest, biggest, and hardest lessons was this: I will never "feel like myself" again. The me I want to feel like is gone, and even if Hannah was magicked back to me in perfect health today, I would still live with the knowledge of all I've been through since she was in that wreck. The me I was on January 24, 2024 is gone for good. I have to learn who I am now, what this me feels like, and redefine what it means to "feel like myself". And that's the hard part, because grief is so horribly messy and so much of it comes with negative, damaging emotions. The lesson is continuous work on yourself, because if not, you can drown in the anger, the guilt, the sorrow. For the last sixteen months, I have battled that drowning because I have children who need their mother, a husband who needs his wife, and other people who need me, too.

But now I'm at a point where I'm beginning to want to fight the drowning for my own sake. I want to live, I want to experience the world, and I want to make stunning images. I want to finish my debut novel (I'm halfway done with the first draft!), I want to write the sequel(s), and I would definitely be lying if I said I wasn't dreaming of a big book deal with adaptation options. I am, even if I understand the reality better than that. I want to keep doing live events on YouTube with Alisha (you can find her channel here). I want a forever home with a she-shed that encompasses my writing office, my lightroom, and my darkroom. And I want to open a bookstore cafe with a cozy vibe and a wine bar.

The point is, even though my days still feel heavy, I want to live again. And I'm working through all of the emotions that come with that wanting, because I deserve to not avoid the inside of my own head, even if it can be a very dark place.

I'm going to start building an author site and social media platforms to go with it. I'll have a page on this site to emphasize it, but it will be it's own entity.

In the meantime, over the next few weeks I have Taylor's birthday party this weekend (she turned six yesterday), surgery next week, Zach takes the language proficiency test soon, and then we have a couple of weeks to get ready to move. Once back on the east coast, I will have about a week of being out of touch altogether as we sail with Norwegian Cruise Lines, and then we'll be ready to set up our new home. I have weddings coming up, trips out of the country, and a whole lot of smaller but no less important events to look forward to. And I can't wait to share it!

Carmel Valley Wine Tours